Monday, October 1, 2012

Success & Disappointment

I've forgotten the last time I topped the chart. I've forgotten what it felt like to understand most of the things. I've forgotten what it was like to blush when someone complimented that I did very well in my examinations. I've forgotten the last time my dad cried of joy. Because the memory that is still etched in my mind about him, was that night after I received my SPM results. 

It was bad. The light was dim, the atmosphere was almost suffocating. The sound coming from the TV was the only background music we had. I didn't know the impact would be this bad. I wasn't happy but not disappointed either. Fairly said, I felt just fine. I got what I deserved. But for my parents? It was the day they started reflecting where did all this go wrong. Was it their fault for sending me off to a new school? Was it their fault for not pushing me enough? Was it their fault for forcing me to do what they want and NOT what I want? With all this was-it-our-fault's, I began thinking that 'this is actually MY fault'.

I hated when people blame themselves for something that came from me. It was me who DIDN'T study. It was me who DIDN'T put in enough effort. It was me who REBELLED. It was me who took everything for granted. I always thought that I could bear the disappointment of not getting excellent results, I could always find a way to survive. Little did I know that the one real thing that I couldn't bear isn't failing the examinations, but it is actually disappointing my parents. 

I had always been that girl who scored every subject in school. I never knew how disappointing my parents was like. I was a straight-As student. I caused barely any trouble at school. I was a prefect. In short, I was practically a good girl who could do no wrong. But life isn't life if there's no mistake. At some point in our life, everyone is bound to make mistakes. Because it is from the mistakes, we learn. It is hard. It is bitter. But it's a way of life. 

A lot of you may wonder what is the point of this post? Is it just a random thought that I randomly want to share? Is it just a thing I feel like doing at this time? Am I writing down this so that this blog gets updated? Well yeah, it could be any of those stated. But most importantly, this post is about searching your success factor.

I know that the definition of success may vary from one person to one person. Perhaps disappointing your parents is not something you're scared of. Perhaps getting a D for your physics is not something to moan about. Perhaps getting to pursue your studies is not the first thing on your Priorities list. But to me, making my parents proud and happy and content (and etc..) is a success. I never realised this, until tonight when I was revising Malaysian Government and Politics subject with my friend Fareeda in the library, she asked me, apa faktor untuk mencapai kejayaan kau (what is my factor to reach success, believe me the words she uttered weren't this formal, I've just forgotten how she said it -.-)? I wasn't sure and that made me think a lot and I just feel like I have to share this. haha Well, I kinda bluffed to her because I couldn't find a factor until this post is written. *rolls eyes

So, I hope all of you bother to take some time to reflect on yourself. What is it that makes you want to succeed? What is it so big that it can push you, irrespective of the demotivating condition you're in, to reach for the stars? It can be anything or anyone. You know yourselves better. Good luck in finding the factor and may you all have the best time in life. Peace be upon all of you!

*The writer is currently reading Foundation in Law at UiTM Kuantan. Her final examinations start tomorrow and that's why she's feeling all nervous and down now. She hopes everyone prays for the best for her because seriously, it's wrecking her nerves. x

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