Thursday, October 4, 2012

Feeling Suicidal?


This might be a long post, but it's worth the read. Do read and ponder...

Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this.

You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you've written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all.

Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinner's ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry.

Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late.

And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn't know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him.

Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn't stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn't know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn't succeed like you did, but she tried… Your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide.

Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mum got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we've NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. Copy and paste this as your status to show people there are people out there that care. Yes, I definitely care.


We have all went through a part in life when we feel like death is better than living in this world. But no matter what happens, we will have to be strong. To persevere. Life ain't ever going to be easy, but that's just how it is.

People do care. Don't ever think that nobody cares, 'cause we do care.

Talk to us. :)

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Monday, October 1, 2012

Success & Disappointment

I've forgotten the last time I topped the chart. I've forgotten what it felt like to understand most of the things. I've forgotten what it was like to blush when someone complimented that I did very well in my examinations. I've forgotten the last time my dad cried of joy. Because the memory that is still etched in my mind about him, was that night after I received my SPM results. 

It was bad. The light was dim, the atmosphere was almost suffocating. The sound coming from the TV was the only background music we had. I didn't know the impact would be this bad. I wasn't happy but not disappointed either. Fairly said, I felt just fine. I got what I deserved. But for my parents? It was the day they started reflecting where did all this go wrong. Was it their fault for sending me off to a new school? Was it their fault for not pushing me enough? Was it their fault for forcing me to do what they want and NOT what I want? With all this was-it-our-fault's, I began thinking that 'this is actually MY fault'.

I hated when people blame themselves for something that came from me. It was me who DIDN'T study. It was me who DIDN'T put in enough effort. It was me who REBELLED. It was me who took everything for granted. I always thought that I could bear the disappointment of not getting excellent results, I could always find a way to survive. Little did I know that the one real thing that I couldn't bear isn't failing the examinations, but it is actually disappointing my parents. 

I had always been that girl who scored every subject in school. I never knew how disappointing my parents was like. I was a straight-As student. I caused barely any trouble at school. I was a prefect. In short, I was practically a good girl who could do no wrong. But life isn't life if there's no mistake. At some point in our life, everyone is bound to make mistakes. Because it is from the mistakes, we learn. It is hard. It is bitter. But it's a way of life. 

A lot of you may wonder what is the point of this post? Is it just a random thought that I randomly want to share? Is it just a thing I feel like doing at this time? Am I writing down this so that this blog gets updated? Well yeah, it could be any of those stated. But most importantly, this post is about searching your success factor.

I know that the definition of success may vary from one person to one person. Perhaps disappointing your parents is not something you're scared of. Perhaps getting a D for your physics is not something to moan about. Perhaps getting to pursue your studies is not the first thing on your Priorities list. But to me, making my parents proud and happy and content (and etc..) is a success. I never realised this, until tonight when I was revising Malaysian Government and Politics subject with my friend Fareeda in the library, she asked me, apa faktor untuk mencapai kejayaan kau (what is my factor to reach success, believe me the words she uttered weren't this formal, I've just forgotten how she said it -.-)? I wasn't sure and that made me think a lot and I just feel like I have to share this. haha Well, I kinda bluffed to her because I couldn't find a factor until this post is written. *rolls eyes

So, I hope all of you bother to take some time to reflect on yourself. What is it that makes you want to succeed? What is it so big that it can push you, irrespective of the demotivating condition you're in, to reach for the stars? It can be anything or anyone. You know yourselves better. Good luck in finding the factor and may you all have the best time in life. Peace be upon all of you!

*The writer is currently reading Foundation in Law at UiTM Kuantan. Her final examinations start tomorrow and that's why she's feeling all nervous and down now. She hopes everyone prays for the best for her because seriously, it's wrecking her nerves. x

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